Friday, August 18, 2006

The end is nigh!

I'm convinced that humanity as a race is doomed. And we're doing it to ourselves.


Because too many of us are too lazy to do anything creative or positive, and are instead content to capitalize on the stupidity of others. What's not helping this is that nowadays trouble-making douche-bags seem to be rewarded for their trouble-making douche-baggery as opposed to being punished

Both points are proven by the list of "winners" of the 2006 "Stella Awards."

What are the "Stella Awards?" From their website:

The Stella Awards were inspired by Stella Liebeck. In 1992, Stella, then 79, spilled a cup of McDonald's coffee onto her lap, burning herself. A New Mexico jury awarded her $2.9 million in damages, but that's not the whole story. Ever since, the name "Stella Award" has been applied to any wild, outrageous, or ridiculous lawsuits -- including bogus cases!

And this years crop do not disappoint. That is assuming you don't give a fat rats ass about the future of civilization. If you do care, well... you're pretty much screwed.

Couple of my favories:

October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pa., was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found in the garage and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of a half million dollars.

It’s a sad day when you a probably better off shooting a person who breaks into your house then calling the cops. And it really looks like that’s where this is heading; people aren’t going to stand for this insult added to injury. How long till life looks like a scene from "Mad Max"?

January 2000: Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle, tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering that the misbehaving little fellow was Ms. Robertson's son.

So, it's not bad enough we have these children of lousy parents running around being generally annoying, now the parents get to sue when they are unable to control their children? Greaaat. I'll just stick to dogs; they are easier to train, and usually much more grateful for what you give them.

Speaking of dogs...

October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The dog was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard at the time. Mr. Williams was also in the fenced-in yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was repeatedly shooting it with a pellet gun.

First of all, where's PETA in all of this? I guess they only care about animals that are trendy or can get them press coverage.

Secondly, anyone who would shoot a dog, a smaller breed none the less, when it is on a chain is seriously messed up in the head. I bet you this idiot now holds some kind of "grudge" against the dog. Well, it's clearly the dogs fault; after all if it didn't want to be shot it shouldn't have been sitting there on a chain behind a fence!

Pick on Dan Quayle as much as you like, he got one thing right on; we need to do something about these lawsuits!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take my Rolodex and meet with my lawyer. I'm sure there is someone in there I have a case against!

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